YOU MIGHT WORK IN THE ER IF...(Page 2)
Copyright @ Michael Seaver, RN, EMT-D, EMSCON AKA "Goofy"

• Your career highlights include having witnessed the results of 6 or more immaculate conceptions... 

• You can identify the difference between the PID shuffle and the Thorazine shuffle...  

• You have ever treated one of the following diagnoses:  High velocity lead therapy (AKA acute lead poisoning); asphalt or cement poisoning; or deceleration trauma... 

• Your idea of improved parking lot security includes a "NO FEAR!" window decal...  

• The last time you saw "management" was in a book...  

• You include the psych referral people among your best friends...  

• You have ever included a nasopharyngeal airway as part of your evaluation of a patient's "unresponsiveness"...  

• You know the RDA for Vitamin H...  

• You look at a chest film and think "Acute Lasix Deficiency Syndrome..."  

• You know the real "chief complaint" of any child under 5 years of age brought to the ER by the mother after midnight is "mama can't get any sleep"... 

• You think that the primary diagnosis of most NH patients is TMB (too many birthdays)...   

• You're fairly sure that the biggest problem with a child brought to the ER for the third time in 24 hours for a problem that was treated appropriately on the first visit is DPS (dumb parent syndrome) or NPS (new parent syndrome)...  

• You have ever thought about forgetting the K-Y when putting a foley in a drunk (especially the drunk driver!)... 

• You can go and sip your coffee while your patient screams in pain from his kidney stones... 

• You can compliment a co-worker on his/her attire while doing CPR...  

• You can finish a 7-course dinner before anyone else has touched his or her salad...  

• The first thing you notice about a new acquaintance is the condition of their veins...  

• You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor...  

• Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm...  

• You know the patients Medical History better than they do...  

• You have ever been afraid to ask the parent of a child with a fever "Did you give your child any tylenol?"... 

• You have ever been afraid to ask the teenage mother to be, "Have you had any prenatal care?"... 

• You have had a patient start off by telling you what happened at the last three ERs that they went to...  

• You have heard patients referring to an ambulance as "my ride"...  

• You have ever been told that a stuffy nose at 0300 is an emergency...  

• You have ever asked, "Why are you here at 3 a.m. if you've been sick four years?"...  

• You automatically multiply by two the answer to "How many cigarettes do you smoke per day?"... 

• You have ever eaten chocolate pudding out of a stool specimen cup, just for laughs...  

• You have ever wished for a "Dial-a-Dose" Haldol/Ativan tranquilizer gun, and Marlin Perkins to assist you, when sent into the psych room...  

• You have ever had a patient fail the positive foley test for comas...  

• You have ever had a patient return to "responsiveness" when the inside of their nose is tickled with a cotton swab... 

• You know most/all the drunks in town and their case histories...  

• You answer the phone "ER" even when you are at home...  

• You have a pet name for your cardiac monitor...  

• Your idea of a great dinner is one that's warm...  

• You know the patient's Medical History better than they do...  

• You know that all the winos in town give the ER Doc's name when asked who their doctor is... 

• You know that as long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security...  

• You realize that the biggest difficulty with your job is that, on a daily basis, you attempt to reverse the process of natural selection...  

• You refer to your patient as a "practicing professional alcoholic (PPA) who has devoted his life to the support of the cheap wine industry and the training of health care professionals"... 

• You know that swear words don't bother your ego; the real insult is someone referring to anyone by the wrong job title ("that nurse there." "She's the secretary, doofus")...  

• You've ever encouraged a physician to "just treat 'em and street 'em"...  

• You can drink a cup of coffee and go straight to bed...  

• You can define the word "GOMER"...  

• You've ever discovered that one of your patients is armed by noticing the pistol-shaped opacity on his pelvis X-ray...  

• You never (willingly) take a patient's shoes off, no matter what...  

• You refer to the Mega-code portion of ACLS as "the fun part"...  

• Your greatest fear in life involves a pregnant woman shouting "IT'S COMING"...  

• You don't worry about treating the gunshot wound patient half as much as you do about having to deal with the family (and "visitors")... 

• You've only ever considered using one nursing diagnosis and that is "Ineffective Individual Coping"... 

• You've ever heard someone begin a conversation with "I got this thing stuck in my butt and I can't get it out."...  

• You realize that effective use of Tylenol, Benadryl and condoms would cut down your workload by 70-80%... 

• You've ever argued to a drunk that he can't "just walk out" because his leg is broken...  

• You're on a first name basis with all the local street people/bums/homeless...  

• You wonder what the big deal is when someone has a seizure...  

• Your friends and family refuse to watch TV with you if there's a remote possibility that the show will contain any scenes of a hospital (known as the "they're not doing it right" syndrome)... 

• You've ever had an adult look you in the face and say "I can't swallow pills"...  

• You think it's a compliment when even the Police Officers remark that you're crude, crass, and cynical... 

• You calculate dopamine dosages in your head, but can't seem to balance your checkbook... 

• Your social skills seem a little lacking, since most of your amusing anecdotes revolve around blood and vomit... 

• You've ever said, (to anyone) "so, did you find the fingers?"...  

• You tend to refer to over half of your patients as "Frequent Flyers", "The Gun & Knife Club" and "LOL's"... 

• You see kids who are brought in "to be checked"...  

• You have worked a "fast track" that does more checking out than the express lanes at the supermarket... 

• You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone squirm" at 20... 

• You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency...  

• You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint, as "I'm drunk"...  

• You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors"...  

• You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots"...  

• You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing... 

• You've ever thought, "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."...  

• You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag...  

• You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival)... 

• You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups...  

• You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives... 

• You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety a level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch (and you know that this is more time than you usually get)...   

• You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours… 

• You have four categories of patients...urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off)... 

• You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily...  

• You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation...  

• You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory...  

• You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "Just two beers"...  

• You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disturbed by a return visit...

How about a quick test to see if you are really an E.R. kind of person? 
To determine the answer, simply go back over the above list and calculate the percentage of times you answered yes...

• Less than 70 % - Civilian that has watched E.R. a few times. (or Medical Student)

• 70% - 80% - Ho-Hum, maybe a Med-Surg nurse. (or Intern)

• 80% - 90% - True E.R. range but lacking "in Depth" experience. (or First year Resident)

• Over 90% - What are you doing reading this? Get back to work!!!

AND FINALLY....

YOU MIGHT WORK IN AN EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT IF...

YOU FIND HUMOR IN ANY OF THIS!!!  GO TO