I am happy to include the latest version of "You might be work in an Emergency Department if..." jokes.  It is in a consistent state of evolution.  I have recently added a few new ones from my own observations, as well as some from readers and friends.  The list is really for anyone who spends a reasonable amount of time in ERs...working, delivering, etc.

For me, it is mostly a matter of survival.  Many a time a bit of humor  (however strange it may seem to others) is all that we have to keep our sanity.  I am a strong advocate of humor in maintaining a good balance in life.  

Please feel free to let me know what you think, especially if you have any suggestions or additions.   I like spreading a :-) and a chuckle.  Worth a lot but costs so little, and the best part is that like love, it grows when it is shared.

Until next time, Keep smiling, It makes the shift go faster. - Goofy

YOU MIGHT WORK IN THE ER IF...
Copyright @ Michael Seaver, RN, EMT-D, EMSCON AKA "Goofy"

• You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...

• Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you…

• You believe a good tape job will fix anything... 

• You have the bladder capacity of five people... 

• You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio... 

• Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change... 

• You find humor in other people's stupidity... 

• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac... 

• You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see... 

• You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance... 

• You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town... 

• Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint... 

• You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...  

• You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis... 

• You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia"... 

• You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce... 

• You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage... 

• You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient... 

• You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan... 

• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...

• You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...  

• You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire... 

• Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers... 

• You believe chocolate is a food group... 

• You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name... 

• You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers... 

• You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit... 

• You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate... 

• You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer... 

• You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call... 

• You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"... 

• Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms... 

• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"... 

• You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine... 

• You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis... 

• You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...  

• You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my  (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"... 

• You have ever issued a "dead head" alert... 

• You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"... 

• Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion... 

• You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...  

• You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...  

• Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"... 

• You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...

• You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...  

• You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your co-workers' hearts...  

• You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain... 

• You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips... 

• You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patient’s only hope... 

• You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"... 

• You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable... 

• You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control... 

• You believe your patient is demonically possessed... 

• You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"... 

• You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")... 

• You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart... 

• You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; How can I be having a baby"... 

• You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food... 

• You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"... 

• Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool... 

• Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank... 

• Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's... 

• Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard... 

• You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...

• Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...  

• You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...  

• Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...  

• Your idea of CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...  

• You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable x-ray machine...    

• Your nursing shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...  

• You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm...  

• You've been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a Ph.D.... 

• Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted)... 

• You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...    

• You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...  

• You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin...  

• When checking the level of orientation of patient, you aren't sure of the correct answer... 

• You always try to schedule days off around phases of the moon...  

• You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage (especially whenever presented in conjunction with treatment for motor vehicle trauma)... 

• Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room"...  

• If the hems in your scrub pants are held in with either 3-0 chromic or steristrips...  

• You've struggled to come up with reimbursable discharge diagnoses such as:  acute ambulatory dysfunction, impending asthma attack, constipation (or diarrhea) - resolved, or foreign body in (Fill in the blank) by history... 

• You've ever hung a "banana bag", "yellow jello", or a "rally pack" for an etohlic...  

• You've muttered "AMF YoYo" when an obnoxious patient finally leaves AMA  (adios my friend - and there is an X rated version to the MF, but you're on you're own for that one)... 

• You believe things would go much quicker if everyone would just get a head CT, Roc and Doxy, narcan, D50, ativan, and a loading dose of Dilantin at the ED entrance...  

• You associate possible house paint colors with body secretions or functions such as: Bile yellow, venous blue, arterial red, puffer pink, mottled blue, hemocult brown, frothy sputum (also known as P. E.) pink, MRSA beige, etc…. 

• You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day...  

• You find yourself avoiding an unhealthy looking "COPD"er in the grocery store in fear that he'll drop near you and you will have to do CPR on your day off... 

• Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy... 

• You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a fellow coworker’s sleeve in order to make them think that they got shot with a HOCKER...   

• You've ever held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now there's going to be a little poke"...  

• You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work... 

• You've ever sworn that you were going to have "NO CODE" tatooed on you chest (or if you already have it tattooed)...  

• You have ever tried to hang a "Closed" sign on the ER doors after 0200...  

• You have ever wanted to print your Discharge Instructions in Comic Book form...  

• You recognize the Primary Care Physician for your patients as Dr. Knownee (often spelled None)... 

• You have served plenty of GI Cocktails but have never been a bartender...  

• Your idea of a "Shamrock Shake" has Donnatol and Mylanta in it and doesn't come from McDonalds...  

• You have ever considered "White Castles" at 0300 as an appropriate and well-balanced meal... 

• You automatically request a BAC on any MVA after midnight...  

• You've ever had to restrain a parent (or significant other) so you could do your job...  

• Your motto is "if its wet, sticky, and not yours, don't mess with it!"...  

• You have ever had to remind yourself that you can't cure stupidity...  

• You automatically multiply by three the answer to the question "how many drinks did you have today?"...  

• You get very, very scared when a child is "too" quiet...  

• You are convinced that the amount of complaining by a patient is inversely proportional to how sick they are... 

• You prefer "Code Blue" to "Code Brown"...  

• You circle the dates of full moons in red on the calendar...  

• You believe that there are some things that only a good autopsy can cure...  

• You think discussing dismemberment while eating chicken wings and drumsticks is normal dinner conversation... 

• You intentionally ignore obnoxious patients so they will sign out AMA...  

• You automatically assume that everyone that lists Toradol as an allergy is lying...  

• You have ever wanted to order a serum porcelain level on all patients that are a crock (or if you have ever asked an intern to order it!) …  

• Your favorite drug for combative patients Vitamin H (Haldol)...  

• You assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise...  

• You ever wanted to present the "poor-acting" award to a patient...  

• You feel you look at the world through a proctoscope...  

• You've ever offered your co-worker money to assist with a pelvic exam because you of what you can smell with the pt. fully dressed...  

• You routinely draw a "rainbow" of blood tubes just in case the doctor /resident/intern/student should change his/her mind and order more tests 3 hours later...  

• You have ever placed a bet on the glucose / ETOH level of an unresponsive patient (winner is closest without going over)...  

• You have never been a bartender but know the ingredients to a "Coma Cocktail"...  

• You know the phone number of the coroner's office by heart... (Extra points awarded if you can identify them by voice or badge number)... 

• You plan your summer vacation by the location and reputation of the Trauma Centers... 

• Your definition of giving TLC in an ER is "Tube, Lavage, and Charcoal"...  

• You can identify a positive "Sampsonite Sign" and diagnosis "Sampsonitis" when the non-pregnant patient shows up in triage with their suitcase in hand...  

• You firmly believe that by the time the patient needs the bedpan, they've been here too long... 

• You have ever wanted to post a sign in triage saying, "If you are grouchy, irritable or just plain mean, there will be a $10 surcharge for putting up with you"...  

• You know the therapeutic advantages of a foley for an unruly patient...  

• You think "Weed and Feed" refers to IV antibiotics and a G-Tube...  

• You have ever considered eating chocolate pudding off of a "chux" just to gross out your colleagues...